He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
