Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
