I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
