Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
