You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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