he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
