in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
