Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
