I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
