I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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