I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
2020 sucks, I want a refund
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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