Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
