im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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