walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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