the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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