I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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