just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
false alarm, still single
Randomize
