i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
