Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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