Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
