So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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