some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
