Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My feet surprised me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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