hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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