Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's never too late to be topless.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
