Your tits are I can't wait for
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
