the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
