Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize