She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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