i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
