it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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