I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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