So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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