My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
