guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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