Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
