I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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