Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
