When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
