I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
