I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
