my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize