I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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