both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
