how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
