There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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