strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
