hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
