I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
