Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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