i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
