I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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