then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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