Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
