My first STD was from a foam party
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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