I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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