Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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