Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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