she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
