I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
