What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
