new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
