Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
