literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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